True Companions

When we quit sabotaging intimacy in our relationships by demanding unconditional love, we discover something much greater—the deeply satisfying, transformational love that is companionship.

In these pages psychologist Kelly Flanagan shows how each of us has within ourselves, exactly the way we are, the gifts that are needed to cultivate the life-long relationships we are longing for, whether it is within marriage or friendship. He shows us how self-knowledge leads the way to growing in love for both God and others. He shows us how understanding our own loneliness can help us relieve the pressure on our companions. And he shows us how understanding our own psychological and emotional defenses can help us to make the choice to love more vulnerably.

More than a marriage book, this is a companionship book. Anyone—from single young adults to elderly married couples, from the divorced to the widowed, from siblings to friends—can benefit from the wisdom it uncovers about what it means to be human and to be true companions.

Groups, couples, and individuals can use the companion study guide for five sessions on how to show up in your most important relationships.



Kelly Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and is the founder of Artisan Clinical Associates, a private practice in Naperville, Illinois, offering services to teens, adults, couples, and families. The author of The Marriage Manifesto and Loveable, he has also written for publications such as Christianity Today, Reader's Digest, and Huffington Post. In 2014, a letter he wrote to his daughter led to their appearance on the TODAY Show. Flanagan is a popular blogger and speaks regularly on topics related to marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation. He lives in Dixon, Illinois, with his wife, Kelly, and their three children.

Foreword by Ian Morgan Cron


What You Need to Know
Part 1: Grow Quiet—Befriending Your Loneliness
A Letter to My Wife—Before We Belong to Each Other, I Must First Belong to Myself


1. Abandonment Is Not Loneliness


2. Neither Is Shame


3. Nor Is Isolation


4. A Cautionary Note About the Digital Crowd


5. You Are a Great and Precious Thing


6. So Learn How to Be Alone


7. Maybe Even Find God in It


8. And Let Someone Stand with You for a While
A Letter to My Wife—You Are My Destination
Part 2: Grow Strong—Embracing Your Struggle
A Letter to My Wife—Love Goes the Long Way


9. Observe Your Protections


10. Anger


11. Peacefaking


12. Certainty


13. Yessing


14. Competition


15. Withdrawal


16. Fixing


17. Helicoptering


18. And Excitement
A Letter to My Wife—Thank You for the Moments Between the Magic
Part 3: Grow Old—Cherishing Your Time
A Letter to My Wife—The Whole Thing Is Inconceivable


19. Time Isn't Money, It's Mortality


20. And Remember, Bodies Matter


21. So Go Elderly Slow


22. Fear (Not) Missing Out


23. Laugh Out Loud


24. Let Your Memories Gather


25. Rust into Something Beautiful


26. And Trade Your Strength with Each Other


27. Until Death Do You Part
A Letter to My Wife—A Timeless Reunion


Acknowledgments


Notes