Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three

Once described as the worst golfer never to have won a major, Mortimer Merriweather is a complex character with virtually nothing to show for 60 years of golf at the lowest level.

Decades of abject failure to strike the ball properly undoubtedly fuelled his frustration and led ultimately to him venting his ire on individuals, companies and organisations connected with the game of golf in this remarkable series of 100 letters.

The result is this hilarious book of his bizarre, insulting, unsettling and plain mad golfing ideas, all sent to famous hapless recipients, illustrated with occasional cartoons.

'Clive Agran is golf's funniest writer.' – John Hopkins, The Times



British Trust for Ornithology 9

Prince Harry 11

Mayor of Tunbridge Wells 12

Sir Nick Faldo 14

R&A Rules Adjudicating Committee 15

North Face 16

Mr Disney 18

President Putin 19

Sunningdale 21

Chubby Chandler 22

TaylorMade 23

US Masters Organising Committee 25

Jon Rahm 27

Justin Thomas 28

Scottish Tourist Board 29

Bernhard Langer 31

Lloyd's of London 32

Professional Golfers Association of America 34

St George's Hill 35

Prostatitis Sufferers' Association 36

Penguin Books 38

Muirfield 39

Prince Andrew 40

Supreme Leader of North Korea 41

Royal St George's 43

Jeremy Corbyn 44

League Against Cruel Sports 45

Pope 47

Ewen Murray 49

St Andrews 50

Dr Ping 52

Head of Bombing 48th Fighter Wing, RAF 53

GCSE Examination Board 54

British Psychiatric Association 56

Challenge Tour 59

Mr Callaway 60

Communist Party of Great Britain 62

Chairman of the International Olympic Committee 63

Messrs Royal and Ancient 65

Acushnet 66

William Hill 67

Rishi Sunak 69

Wentworth 71

British Museum 73

American Golf 74

Armitage Shanks 76

St Andrews Golf Museum 77

Sotheby's 78

Head Greenkeeper at Royal Troon 79

Tee Distributor 80

Lewis Hamilton 82

Ryder Cup Organiser 83

Augusta National 84

Open Championship Venue Selection Committee 85

Roland McDonald 87

Desert Island Discs 88

Institute for Dream Studies 89

Met Office 91

António Guterres 92

Rolex 94

Archers' Producer 95

Pfizer 96

Eton College Headmaster 97

European Tour 98

Guinness 100

Footjoy 102

Andy Murray 103

Michael O'Leary 105

DJ Spoony 106

Office Furniture Manufacturer 107

Sky Sports 109

Dalai Lama 111

JP McManus 112

Novak Djokovic 113

LGBT Foundation 115

President Bolsonaro 116

DP World Tour 117

Mike Ashley 119

Black Lives Matter 120

Head of the Nobel Prize Committee 122

HM The Queen 123

Xi Jinping 125

Executors of the late Sir Bruce Forsyth 126

Principal Trainer of Sniffer Dogs 128

Golf Monthly Magazine 129

Talent Agency 131

Ali Khamenei 132

Barry Hearn 134

Royal Mail 136

Head of Sport, BBC Television 138

Colin Montgomerie 140

Andrew 'Beef' Johnston 141

European Ryder Cup Committee 143

Greg Norman 145

Robert Trent Jones, Jnr 146

Jimmy Tarbuck 149

President Donald Trump 150

Mystery Shopping Company 152

Editor of the Times 154

Last Will And Testament 156

Merlin Unwin Books 158



I can't recommend Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three enough – It's silly but it's very well written (as you would expect from Agran - a stalwart of golf writing) and it's just very, very funny. 'The whole book is a hoot and it's one you can either read from cover to cover or just dip into and read a couple…



One of The Funniest Golf Books Ever Written… Do yourself a favour and get a copy of Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three, The Unexpurgated Golf Letters of Mortimer Merriweather, penned by Clive Agran….Agran is a freelance golf writer and this book is a little gem.



This collection of letters from the fictional Mortimer Merriweather - including missives to golfing luminaries, world leaders and The Supreme Leader of North Korea, to name a few - makes for hilarious reading and will enhance your sense of the fundamental absurdity of this game.